Once many years ago when I was meditating, I saw that every place of tension in my body was a place where I was holding something. Ultimately, I was holding something against myself, since it was in my body-mind that it was being held. In other words, this place of tension was a place of unforgiveness. And it became obvious to me that dis-ease was, at least on a psychological and spiritual level, all about unforgiveness. That is, holding something against myself created tension/dis-ease in my body-mind, which, although it started on a spiritual or psychological level, could transmigrate into my physical body and cause illness. From this observation, I concluded that the healing of dis-ease, at least on the psychological and spiritual levels, could only come about through the act of forgiving – from releasing whatever I was holding in my body-mind that was creating the dis-ease.
What does it really mean to forgive? Let’s start with what it doesn’t mean. It doesn’t mean excusing another person’s hurtful behavior. People are absolutely responsible for the pain they cause others. And it doesn’t mean having to make amends with the person you are forgiving. The forgiveness is primarily for your own healing. If you want to let the person know that you are in the process of forgiving him or her, it could benefit them, of course, but that is not the primary purpose of forgiveness. What's more, in my experience, those being forgiven get the message in subtle ways that they may not even be aware of through “the ether” anyway. We’re all connected to each other, and everything one does affects everyone one is connected to – much in the way prayer has been documented to affect the person one is praying for.Forgiveness also doesn’t mean holding to some ideal of having to forgive everyone for everything always, and forcing oneself to forgive someone before one is ready to. Once, when facilitating a meditation retreat, I played my “Forgiveness Meditation” tape and did the meditation along with the retreat participants. There was someone in my life at the time who had hurt me more than anyone else had ever hurt me, and I tried to forgive this person in the meditation, but couldn’t. I had this idea that I should be able to, especially since I was teaching forgiveness, but it just wasn’t possible. Finally, I gave up trying to forgive this person and, instead, forgave myself, for not being able to forgive. Eventually, when the time was right for me, I was able to forgive this person.
Forgiving, in my mind, really means being willing to feel The Pain. I call it The Pain – instead of your pain or my pain – because, in truth, it is a pain that is shared by all human beings. It is just played out here in this way and there in that way. When someone hurts me, they are giving me The Pain, which is too great for them to hold. If I resist it, it hurts and persists as anger and resentment. If I am willing to receive it, it hurts and then passes through me. I don’t hold onto any resentment and there’s nothing and no one to forgive. And the person who gave me The Pain gets to see it right in front of his or her nose, and has the opportunity and safety (because of my willingness to feel it) to feel what was previously too much to feel, and thereby to achieve some degree of healing for him or herself. The Pain, if shared in this way, becomes a catalyst for healing instead of hurting. When one becomes completely willing to feel The Pain, forgiveness and healing automatically follow.
There are three aspects of forgiveness:
First, we need to forgive others for the hurt they have inflicted upon us. Second, we need to allow ourselves to be forgiven by others for the hurt we have caused them. And, ultimately, we need to forgive ourselves for holding others and ourselves out of our heart because we’re unable to bear The Pain that is there. When we can forgive ourselves for being “perfectly imperfect,” acknowledging and taking full responsibility for The Pain, however it was given to us, however it was received by us, we can live our lives fully and freely.
My all-time favorite – and most forgiving – quote is attributed to Dogen Zenji, one of Japan’s two greatest Zen Masters: “My life has been one mistake after another.” Dogen is forgiving himself, and acknowledging that when one is truly working on him or herself, that person’s awareness is continually opening to see greater and greater truths and, consequently, always seeing how limited his or her awareness was the moment before.
What would your life be like if you had forgiven everyone for everything?